So you’ve stolen the vice-principal’s car. Now what? A guide for beginners

Here's an assignment I'm working on for my copywriting class at SVC for my instructor Casey Brewer.

So you’ve stolen the vice-principal’s car. Now what?

A guide for beginners

Congratulations. Tommy, Shaun and Wanker said you were too chicken but you showed those losers. Their senior prank? Toilet papering the gym. Yawn. You, on the other hand, are about to maneuver Mr. Hamlin’s precious compact into the middle of the library. Classic. This calls for a celebration: Your parents are out of town and there’s a bottle of hard raspberry cider in the pantry that has your name written. All. Over. It.

Hold on, Tiger! Presumably, you’re only going to do this once, so take a little time to smell the rose. The Rose of Awesomeness. Here are a few tips to help you enjoy the ride.

First: Cover your tracks. Like I had to tell you that. You wore ski gloves and crammed your feet into your mom’s sneakers for this. A pantyhose mask completed the hat trick. Eat that, CSI! You just know that, in twenty years, the detective assigned to this case will be waking up in the middle of the night, covered in cold sweat, screaming ‘Smooth Operator! How did you elude me?’ Nice choice on the nickname, by the way. Still, it’s been an hour: Take the mask off.

Second: What’s the rush? It’s three in the morning, there’s a full tank of gas and it’s been raining for six days straight. Can you say, ‘Mud-boggin’? H to the Y! For now, though, keep this low key. Resist the urge to show your friends because, well, you know: The internet. Take a deep breath. Relax. Monday morning you will reap your reward. And by reward I mean the undivided attention of all the fine honeys in that home-ec class you were forced to take. Would Hamlin sign your transfer form so you could take karate instead? H to the Nope.

Third, don’t freak out but there is a cop car behind you. Take another deep breath. Repeat this phrase, “I am a Smooth Opeator, I am a Smooth Operator…” Live it. Own it. Be cool. Watch your speed. Adjust the rear view mirror. Hmmm. Check out those cool little buttons under the mirror. Whoa. Mr. Hamlin has OnStar. No, OnStar is not satellite radio. Your headlights just flashed on their own. Here come the sirens and the red and blues. Don’t bother trying to speed up; OnStar has just turned off your engine. Steer over to the shoulder. Breathe deeply and take a little time to smell the rose. The Rose of Busted.